I have spent the last couple of days contemplating on what to write. Yet, during my morning walk I realized that I am a procrastinator. I have a hard time doing what I know needs to be done. So I make lists and then I check things off as I progress. Sometimes my “to do” lists will carry over to the next list. I do not know if to call this over worked or procrastination. (punt intended)
For this reason, I have a confidant who is also known as a sponsor. A sponsor is someone that I trust; I make a conscientious effort to tell the truth about what is going on with me and believe me, this too is often difficult. This is a challenge because I want to appear that I know what is going on. I want to feel important and knowledgeable. I do not want someone to know that I do not know whatever it is that I am suppose to know. Do you know what I mean?
While I understand that my secrets will keep me sick and active in my addictions, I still have a tough time growing up in public. But, with God’s grace I pray for the wisdom to know better so I can do better. For instance, because I understand this truth about myself, I can be empowered to do something about this flaw. I can ask my sponsor to guide me and give me suggestions of what to do just for today. Usually, when I look back I can clearly see that what I thought was a mountain really turned out to be a molehill.
In the same way, once I succeed over a hurdle, then the next challenge does not create great fear for me. You see, my addictions created fear. An alternative expression for fear is: false evidence appearing real. Another one is: forget everything and run. Or the solution is: face everything and recover. I also built a wall between anyone and everyone and as a result I trusted no one. In fact, the fear and distrust caused me to have envy against anyone who appeared to have their life together. These character defects were the absolute formula for procrastination. In my mind, I had a perfect excuse to loath and therefore, I was never able to be the best that God had intended for me to be.
All in all, I am not where I want to be, but I can praise God that I am not where I use to be. I am a child of God in progress. I know today, I do not have to run and hide from my past. I know that my life will continue to change. As long as I work towards doing the next right thing, God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. Amen.