My addiction was in full swing as I redialed more than 600 times, trying desperately to get a person to help me. I had confirmation that I needed to be ready and available at eight a.m., but someone didn’t follow-through, and it wasn’t me, but I had more than twenty-five people I didn’t want to disappoint.

Here is a pondering thought. To examinea motive brings about clarity.

The reading speaks about the goal being seeking sanity, and I sure needed that. As I was writing this email, I cried because I had expectations based on what someone told me they would do, but they didn’t follow-through. As I cater to senior citizens, and I wanted to make sure they could get registered for the vaccine if they wished to.

I checked my motive and asked myself why I was so persistent with gathering people’s personal information and cried when it didn’t work out as I had expected. The process made me recall how I would prepare to cop my drugs of choice, and when it wouldn’t happen as I had hope, I would go stir-crazy. I realized that before recovery, I didn’t have a solution, but today I do. I was disappointed in the healthcare system, the lack of concern from government officials, and endless possibilities of who I could blame, but it doesn’t matter because it is what it is. My job was to do the will of my higher power to have compassion and empathy because I was aligned to do just that. There would have been a time before recovery, and this task would have been the last thing on my heart.  

I desperately wanted to help those I thought couldn’t help themselves, yet I was distraught, feeling so overwhelmed. I started calling at eight this morning and never had the time to do my walk. I know I am powerless over what others do, but when it made me feel like I would fail so many people, it made me sad. I also realized some childhood trauma was surfacing, and subconsciously thinking I would disappoint and the fear that I would get harmed, yet it was my thoughts hurting me, so I am grateful for the clarity.

My sweet daughter tried to calm me down and told me to “calm down, momma, just calm down.” After being determined and patient by default, I finally got to speak with someone around four o’clock to give the pertinent information. The outcome belongs to my higher power, not mines to handle—I am only responsible for what I do, and I know I intended to help others. For that, my motive was in position with what I was capable of accomplishing, and my sanity has returned.

Peace and love. Feel free to share and invite others. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.

Author, Lynda M.