I don’t know about anyone else, but I must keep it simple regarding recovery. In other words, I have to do the next right thing. The way to do that is I first have to put down the drugs and alcohol. Not until then can I live in actual reality. If I want to take a real trip, I need to get honest with myself and not use mood-altering substances to numb out.

I celebrated 20 years of clean time from drugs and alcohol on October 3. I regret to inform anyone that had hoped for a faster recovery that it had been just recently that I started to work on another program that allows me to look at my childhood. Oh, my goodness. To look at reality is painful. Today, I recognize how I disassociate from looking at myself or my reasons for avoiding intimacy with myself, my higher power, and others.

My drug of choice has been fear. To live normally, I must walk through fear and crazy. I recognize that today. So what do I do to disassociate myself? I will work at excessive cleaning, reading, exercising, eating or nibbling, and fantasizing about romance. I never realized how I have black-and-white thinking. There is a grey area that I can rest somewhere in between. This journey of traveling in the space of reality can be lonely at times.

If I want more than recovery, meaning I want to strive not only to survive, I have to be willing to go into spaces that can and will be painful. I recognize that this, too, will pass. Once I obtain a hurdle, I can use that as a buffer to know that I can take another step towards what surfaces. The longer I stay the course, the more times I will remember something long buried.

I keep it simple. If it’s too painful, I can always retreat and come back again. The solution is to talk about what I am feeling with others who are also dealing with similar recovery; I will usually hear what I need to hear. I am worthy of healing no matter how long it takes. I get to choose why, what, when, and how I will proceed. One day at a time and sometimes a moment. Recovery will always materialize if I work for it and accept that I am enough no matter what; that’s why I want to keep it simple.