Rebellion is funny since if one is rebelling, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

Recovery has helped me see how defiant I have lived; at times, I still do. My blinders automatically adjust when I am in denial and fear. I hope not to claim the mendaciousness of others but to ask, “What if what was said is true?” And then, with some contemplation, I get to implement a change or discard what I have heard. I know when the student is ready and the teacher will appear.

The rebellion concept has brought about great insight about me; to rebel is to cause myself more significant harm because I will do things to prove my allegiance that I am correct while others must be wrong. Fortunately, the results have been nil, and until I am willing to accept that I can be teachable, some of the same destructive behaviors repeat themselves enough for me to know that change is needed.

I recall times when something said would cause me to prove them wrong by forging forward with what I didn’t know at the time was dangerous behavior. For instance, something as simple as laws meant for others but not for me. Enough hard-knocks, I can now see that if I will only accept that it’s not personal, but it’s the law.

Another way I would be defiant is to ignore whenever anyone tells me what to do. I cannot tolerate that at all, and what I know today is it is a carried-over behavior from my childhood of being told what to do by older siblings, my parents, teachers, ministers, friends, spouses, employers, and so on.

Today, I am willing to consider releasing some control in my life; it helps me have real choices and not some illusion of control and orderliness.

Enveloping change into my life has freed me to let go and allow this universal love to comfort my woundedness. My life today is about progress, not perfection, and principle over personality has been life-saving because I prefer to live and allow others to live their lives.

I am grateful that rebellion is an option, and I have no reason to go on a tyrant and ruin my life because something said might flair up a trigger of the past. I take time to breathe and take to my yoga mat, enjoy the moment, and take in a gratitude list of how my life has changed for the better when I don’t go against the grain but lean into what is.

Thank you, sweet spirits that I call my guardian angels who continue to watch over me. I know each one by name, and it’s a beautiful thing. I will continue to live in the present and allow the future to unfold as it will. Rebellion, take a back seat because my front seat has many reasons to smile and be grateful to surrender my fears and self-hate.