Today has been smooth and carefree, so, I walked, explored, photo-snapped, which included some quiet contemplation, especially after an exuberate, yet long exhaustive vexing yesterday.  

The quote from A.A. Comes of Age from page 311, I do not recall ever reading that portion, but I can relate with the characteristics of the so-called typical alcoholic in hindsight. Somewhere in the recovery literature, I have read that alcoholics that grow up in an alcoholic home can be eccentric, and today I claim that about me, and I like it. I never was a follower, per se. That’s why I enjoy the ethnicity of being me.

The reading is about being rescued by surrendering to others, and I semi-related to that. I cannot fathom surrendering to others because that seems too in bondage to me. Yet, upon entering the program, I know that I had an in-depth conversation with my higher power, a one on one as if we were in the same room sitting across from each other. I knew if I didn’t trust the woman I had chosen and accepted as my sponsor, I would not get recovery because I would continue to lie otherwise. That was the conversation.

My healing started that moment I surrender to the notion that I wanted someone to guide me, but I knew that they couldn’t if I wasn’t truthful. I will always be in gratitude for my first sponsor, and we would probably still be together if other commitments hadn’t separated us.

My afflatus was pure desperation. The reading claims some yield while others can’t or won’t, and that is something that I have always been curious about, but I cannot waste too long trying to figure out others’ puzzles. Without a doubt, I know and trust in myself of who I am, that being an addict, and I hope never to forget and think that I can one more time enjoy and control my drinking and using because that’s a lie.

I am afraid of what will happen and don’t want to find out, and not confident that I will survive to do so since my journey included overdoses. My body remembers all that I put it through, and I believe a weak heart remains, especially since I haven’t had a heart overhaul, at least not yet.

The surrender comes from what I know about me, call it egocentric or narcissistic, or whatever because I know this chickadee. I want to take life easy and enjoy my sobriety to the fullest with strolling along in life as if I have no worries. These gifts that continue to open, day after day, are a reminder that I hope and plan not to surrender back to the active disease of alcoholism—because smooth sailing fits me better.

Peace and love. Feel free to share and invite others. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.

Lynda M.