The five-minute meditation wasn’t enough to bring my consciousness into focus with what I was feeling. I attempted so hard to connect to my ancestors, visualizing their humility, struggles, and strengths. As I came back into consciousness, I peeked around, gathering my bearings, with the hope that no one saw my tears.
This newfound awareness came about when I watched a documentary on Trauma and Addiction with Dr. Gabor Mate, MD, from Hungary. He survived the Holocaust. The piercing that I felt while watching the clip was enlightening as well as informative.
While seeking further awareness as I sat on a park bench, my thoughts were on the generations before me, such as my grandparents’ parents and great-grandparents’ parents. My considerations brought about an additional awareness like what were they about? Oh, how I wish I could know their stories.
I felt a need to reach out, but I was in a state of shock, feeling that I was moving in the direction of permanent depression. Suddenly, my higher power did for me what I could not do for myself.
While listening to an anonymous narcotics meeting, I heard a woman share about her daily meditation practice. One practice was putting a 1000 piece puzzle together because after her husband died, her life shattered into a thousand pieces. And right there at that moment, she shared, “No one can put my life back together, but me and my higher power. “
I am grateful because I continued to walk and listen and restored to conscious awareness. It was a gentle reminder that “Lynda, if only you continue to stay sober, don’t use any mood-altering substances, more will reveal itself. Your ancestors must have been some very amazing hard workers because you have the tenacity to push through despite yourself.”