In my recovery, my mind, body, and spirit align to receive what it hears; it’s soothing like a soak in a warm lavender lathering bath. Yet, messages can sometimes seem distorted because I am not spiritually capable of receiving what I hear; it’s called the denial trait. At those moments, my insides bubble to the surface like a percolator, and I respond with rage. It happens quickly without taking the time to breathe and allow the words to roll off like a waterfall.
It’s usually in hindsight when I accept that I am in recovery. I tell myself, “Take a moment to breathe and digest what you feel, little Lynda? You don’t have to voice yourself with a tone of anger, where your stomach tells you that you owe someone amends. Continue to differentiate if and when amends are needed, not just apologize, but be willing to change the behavior. Those are old patterns of not wanting to upset the ebb and flow of voicing your opinion and making someone upset or feeling they will not like you. Be authentic, and that is a cause to be vulnerable, transparent, with integrity, and some Kindness. Grace. and Love.”
Growing up in public is painful. Unfortunately, I didn’t have support as a young adolescent to encourage me to share my emotions and feelings; it was to do as told and not seen was the attitude in the household I lived. So today, it’s hard to be authentic without defaulting to old behaviors before I realize that I have a voice and I can state what I’m feeling without fear of being ridiculed. And if I do receive negative feedback, it’s my responsibility to decipher the truth; I do so by working with others and a mentor. My experience has been the lessons will repeat themselves until they align so I can hear.
It’s important to ask myself, “What if what is said is true?” Answering this question takes contemplation, being honest with myself, open-minded, and willing to accept what I have denied for so long; the truth, my truth. If there is no validity to what is said, I can discard the information. Otherwise, I can gently and kindly fold the newfound knowledge into my recovery.
One day at a time, one step at a time, recovery is all about welcoming the future of my potential with mindfulness. Namaste.