Alcohol and drugs are cunning and baffling, but self-will is a hell of a drug.

Celebration is around the corner for me, and on October 3rd,  I will celebrate 20 years of abstinence from all mood-altering substances. Yet that self-will will rear its ugly head, but at least some manifestations are justifiably necessary for my health, such as walking.

I have plans to speak at four different groups this month to celebrate. It used to be a time that I would party for a month to celebrate a belly birthday, so naturally, I sighed when I thought your month was booked with service, to share your experience, strength, and hope with others.

I thought back to the day I entered the recovery rooms, and I was not very happy about that. It was eighteen days before the 3rd, and I relapsed on marijuana. I never thought I could quit, but here I am, trudging to happy destiny, and not often do I think about using drugs.

I realized that I had many desires to display before I got to where I am today. I went from listening to loud music to no music to seldomly listening to music, from knitting to walking to marathons back to walking, with yoga and water aerobics on the side. I have lusted after those things like men, shoes, and earrings. I took a spell to educate myself with higher learning to understand I can keep learning something every day while in recovery. I’ve been mad and took it to another level of rage when I realized that I still need some more profound work. I’ve moved from one twelve-step program to another, each time peeling back the onion to know it’s another level of new trauma.

My perspective has changed. I have let go of some of my old ideas. I have gone from picking up trash to giving back to the community to applying the steps and traditions to my life.

Today I have the integrity and morals to do the next right thing. I am not perfect, but it’s progress. I started a business during this recovery process. I even changed my higher power; it’s no longer that self-serving magical Jennie when I need something; it’s a daily relationship, checking in, asking for guidance, and trying to accept the outcome, no matter the results.  

I love my life today and cannot wait to see what is in store for tomorrow since it’s a program one day at a time. The only constant in my life right now is that I don’t drink, and I don’t drug, and things change; it has changed me, and I am genuinely grateful because self-will can run riot, but the end is what will be, and it’s emotional sobriety that I seek.