Life is rarely easy, yet life is inevitable, and growth is intentional.

Before coming into recovery, my attention was taking other people’s inventory so I could fix them, manage them, and control them because coming into recovery was too scary. Yet here I am. I didn’t like anyone, didn’t want to hear anything anyone had to say, and thought everyone in recovery was crazy.

The acceptance of my disease of isms has not been easy. It’s been a pendulum, swinging back and forth, blaming others, then turning the blame back on me, with the shame of how could I have stayed in the toxicity for so long.

Nevertheless, my controlling personality and the ability to go to extremes to avoid looking at myself became too painful that I had to turn the mirror around and look at myself. Wham, it can be painful to grow up in public, but so worth the look.

So I keep coming back to the rooms, one day at a time, one moment at a time, and have been willing to acknowledge what I see about myself and what I am hearing in recovery spaces. I lean into looking for the similarities instead of the differences, and what a difference that makes for me to keep the focus on what I need to change that no longer yields me peace of mind.

Today, I try and live with integrity, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to a god of my understanding, a loving god that wants the best for me. The peace I receive is astronomical as opposed to living in my addictions, and I will continue to work for my recovery. I haven’t had a drink or recreational drug since October 3, 2002, and for that, I am grateful.