As I glimpse over my journal, the terrain has been bumpy, and yet I am grateful that I stayed in the solution of recovery, and that is, I cannot change anything about what has transpired and nor can I control what will happen. The only thing that I can change is me, and with great discernment, I am grateful to see that I continue to peel that stubborn onion back another layer at a time.

I appreciate being able to trudge this journey and the intent of being okay, although this past couple of years have been painful and insightful for sure.

Zoom became a new thing that has brought me closer to new friends worldwide; some old friends didn’t make it because of COVID-19 and deaths from the disease of alcoholism.

As an African American staying the course with the upheaval from the movements that happened during the murders of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and so many others, I consider myself a movement heavy. The Black Lives Matter movement took the front stage, and it was more reason for me to look at my so-called relationships. I could not do any of this alone, so I am so grateful that my higher power steered me to the Hollywood squares of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color).

It is a place where outside issues are not an issue and is spoken aloud without hesitation. What might appear as an outside issue is an inside issue for me that can and will affect my recovery.

With hearing the similarities, I could relax as best as I could to know that others identified with my righteous rage. Yet, I continue to look within and search for my motives because I refuse any longer to pretend or shrink myself to make others (my allies) feel comfortable. I have a voice that carries very loud, yet I can hope that my higher power will continue to help me speak calmly and with dignity to share what I feel because my message is one of hope for change.

As a result, there is an anomalous fierce in the air with retroject trying to come center. My comfort has come in the genres of literature and meditation through these years. It’s been inconsequential to pick up drinks and drugs, which is a miracle. 

Life will continue to unfold, yet I have to do the work, do my best, and leave the rest for my higher power. I chose not to be a chameleon through it all, even when the scariest thing can happen, like a loved one becoming ill and hospitalized. I try not to dramatize the situation but deal with my emotions separate from the facts. In other words, work on that cognitive dissonance.

I continue to take one day at a time through isolation and not being able to have my family close because of this pandemic. I know my higher power is with me wherever I go. Music and sharing honestly with a sponsor, yoga, and walking bring healing. These things have caused me to tip my awareness to my most inner prize, my inner child. With therapy and the courage to face what I lost, I am sure to find some of these fragments in other ways that I choose to strive.

I am loved and will wait by staying on this day because it has been various things I must experience, which all take time. The most important thing is knowing that I don’t have to drink nor do drugs because all that will do is worsen my situation. I plan to stay the course, one day at a time. My program is spiritual and not religious, inviting me to find a higher power of my choosing, which has been my saving grace.