I do not recall dissociating my child self from my parents. If my memory serves me correctly, I craved their attention and would go to any lengths to gain love from them. Somehow I remember being manipulative and dominating my senses to observe the crowd to know who needed what at what time, and then reacted accordingly.

As an adult working through childhood trauma, I get to analyze my part in all of the hurt and pain that lingers alongside my neuro system flashing hot flame whenever a neuro acknowledges it’s been there and done that before.

I want to live this lonely life of mine in a meaningful way—one of not being so hypervigilant of taking the inventory of others, undoubtedly thinking that I will find someone trying their damnedest to harm me in ways so familiar. Possibly, if I let go, I will not miss out on what are significant relationships, but yet I run.

Nonetheless, I am scared of the unknown. I solemnly believe that I am fine the way I am living in a world of content, alone, myself, and my sweetie. Somehow, I pause and ask the universe to take my will and my life, and guide me in my recovery, and show me how to live life sober with others in a meaningful way of being happy, joyous, and free to roam without fear of the unknown.

  • Sometimes it’s lonely at the top despite actually being at the bottom