I am grateful for the awareness that my solution is an inside responsibility, that I make time and take time for recovery.
My parents are deceased, and not too often did I ever hear them speak about racism. Yet, here I am, experiencing what it is to be in the middle of white supremacy and know that my parents had undoubtedly experienced something similar, on a grander scale, yet there was nothing mentioned from them.
My parents sheltered me all those many years, trying to save me from the throes of hatred, and here I am, enduring the best that I can. Each day I have to journey into a painful world, but I want to be joyous and free to live my life to my best ability.
I no longer have to continue to seek validation through others or my accomplishments but to know that I am okay where I am and as I am. I don’t have to run and hide or shrink myself making myself smaller. The universe’s spirit knows that I can accomplish great things by being me, if only I can accept that my solution is within.
I love life. I accept myself, all of me, small, big, and significant because I am who I am because of my parents.
I am wandering around mercilessly with the thoughts of numbness. Why in this big world of creation does there have to be so much hate.
I have to take the time and make the time to take care of myself. Social media is propaganda that wants to lure me into its web of negativity. I have so many things I should be doing, like reading or writing on my novel, but yet I sit in numbness, not knowing which way to turn.
The hate has to stop, and since it seems to be the norm, I have to move my thoughts elsewhere. That’s the problem. I don’t want to be a person that does not engage and show my concern, but I am numb from knowing that hate is the norm.
White supremacy, blue lives, Black lives, Asian lives matter, yet when the hate is so ingrained that no one thinks or believes that they will have the right to live in peace because of the other race. Please stop the madness. Please don’t let this be the norm. Life is worth living, and I want to wander without any chaos of knowing that it’s the norm to hate.
Despite my fluctuating moods, it’s incredible that my undertaking has come to an end after pledging to write a response to the Daily Reflection for an entire year. I thank my higher power and for all the followers, the un-subscribers, the ones that took time to read and respond. If I helped anyone, that’s great, even if that one was me, because I stayed sober.
I love the idea of experiencing by example. My success is because I watch others accomplish extraordinary tasks, like getting sober and staying sober through a COVID-19 pandemic. I observe how people have lost loved ones yet are remaining sober. People have lost children, spouses, parents, and some have experienced divorce and health challenges. Not to discount graduations via online learning, job losses, homelessness, and so many others. It’s all because of their fortitude that I continue to survey their actions or the lack thereof. As a result, I have gained strength that I, too, can keep on a path of abstinence. No matter what the experience, I do not have to abuse myself with alcohol and drugs.
The reading speaks about faith, reliance, and prideful ego all in one sentence, reminding me that the former two, I can depend on, and the latter is what I have to deflate to gain a steady strength. For me, this is a daily practice. I continue to abjure while adjusting and arranging the best solution for my program. I can surrender my stubbornness and forfend my profound journey, constantly creating individuality so precious that I want to preserve it all.
The program’s triangle is service, unity, recovery, and this accomplishment derives from working the program’s triangle of the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. My triangle development is emotional, physical, and mental sobriety. What that means is that I have to rid myself of those things that create havoc and cause me to question my worth. Similarly, being physically fit with a regime can provide a stream of conscientiousness to do the next right thing. In other words, Lynda’s will must go and allow the choice of a power that helps me to have integrity. When my thinking struggles, it’s okay to ask for help from an outside source like a therapist.
The way to gain any of these for me is to continue the practice of the program’s principles of being honest, open-minded, and willing to have hope that I too can heal one-day-at-a-time with the help of others showing how they accomplish recovery. In my opinion, that’s the spirit of the universe working through others for me to see.
I conclude with gratitude and hope that life is worth an act of kindness, especially if things seem doomed. For this reason, I cannot quit because the miracles continue to happen—and that comes from something greater than me, and for that, I am genuinely thankful.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. The reading is attached.
Traveling is a way to slow everything down, even the desire to control, because in order not to be an a-hole and to be at ease with self, this requires relinquishing expectations and control.
Here is a pondering thought. What would happen to release those things that are the most painful to let go?
I can identify with the question above because there have been many times that I felt there was no way I could let go, especially marijuana. There was a time I thought if I let go of alcohol and my many other drugs of choice, there was no way I would let go of reefer, aka pot. I sensed that I would be that hole in the donut mentioned in Step three of the Twelve and Twelve.
The reading lures that Step three can be considered one of twelve, but it would not be easy to accomplish the type of life guaranteed for anyone willing to let go without utilizing this step. I read over some of my notes from when I started recovery and noticed Steps 1-3 are all about giving-up, Steps 4-6 is confessing-up, 7-9 is making-up, and 10-12 are growing-up. I know what has happened for me, I revisit all the steps at different times of my recovery because lost memories resurface, and I have to work on those issues. I implement the first three steps daily, conscientiously, because I have to remember that I am an alcoholic that wants to control most things. When I try to control those things outside myself, I go insane until I let go of my idea that I know what is best for me, let alone for others.
I know my higher power wants me to be gentle with myself. No matter how old I become. I have to go easy with myself. It’s more challenging as I age because I want to believe that I should be doing better than I am. I will start to feel sorry for myself (poor me, poor me, pour me another drink) and think that I have wasted my life when there is much I can give thanks. When I stay sober, I get another opportunity to be a part of society to give back and make up for so many times that I took freely from myself and others. My program is continuous. After all, I don’t want to quit before the miracle happens because I have no idea of what is in store. All I have to do is be willing to let go and allow my higher power to take charge.
Each day is a new day. I don’t get to rest on my laurels from yesterday’s connections. The way I compare the steps and the results from working them is like how the tectonic operators with the world’s plates bumping into each other, passing under one another, causes a change in formation and eventually creates an eruption of some sort. When I lean into one step, it operates off another step and so forth, making the rocket’s logic into the fourth dimension like the Big Book claims in Bill’s Story.
All I have to do is be willing to explore all crevices of the program. When I work diligently and consistently, the keystone is to find my freedom to live because I’m connected when I connect the steps by renouncing expectations and the need to control—that’s a peace that no one can deny.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, you are too late because tomorrow is my last day. The reading is attached.
Unfortunately, I am counting days to complete my undertaking of writing for 365 days, with two left, and for a fleeting moment, I imagined sitting out on the patio with my sweetie and sipping a margarita in a blue-stem glass.
Here is a promising awakening once an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.
I am in the passenger’s seat writing this reflection, and I admit I am the most relaxed I have been in a while. I have to watch for comfort and discomfort. After all, my mind wants to tell me that I need to be in the spirit of a holiday because I got my vaccine, and I want to roll like I missed an entire year of comingling with others as I did.
Although life happens, and no matter where I roam, I am there; this lady loves to party and finds reasons to celebrate or perhaps to blame others. I am thankful that I know this about me because otherwise, I can forget and fall into the trap of having reasons to drink, especially when I listen to oldies, but goodies, like I am doing now.
The reading speaks about some of those things that I have to watch out for, like dishonesty, materialistic focus on worldly things, and self-centeredness. What better way than to sneak while on travel and whip up a few, and nobody will know, but my system, because the phenomenon of craving will return. I know that I would not be able to halt, and before long, I will be six feet under because my story has ended that way before, but I was electrically shocked. I know I have no more chances, so thank goodness I came into recovery and chose to work a program. If I lose focus of who I am, my body knows and will return to where I left off, and away we go with no room to spare.
To emphasize some of the reading keywords like unconditional love is what I strive to accomplish. I don’t have to finagle anyone or anything. I can live life on life’s terms, one-day-at-a-time. I have joy in my life because I am sober, and when challenged with patience while in others’ spaces, I consider it a win because I am still sober at the moment. There is no perfect world. I plan to show kindness to my fellows despite some that can be perplexing, but there’s a purpose for the connections when I look for it. I want to have faithfulness and self-control, not to judge. When I choose to humble myself and have some humility, knowing that I am no less and no better than the next, but on a level playing field, then it’s my responsibility to do the best that I can with what I have.
Spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection, is the key. My spirit delights in how I change and how I see people worldwide from a different lens. This awareness in itself is a beautiful thing, and although this consciousness might be fleeting, it happens because of the change in my attitude towards me and others. As I keep practicing the program’s principles, my desire to abuse myself doesn’t linger long and usually passes. All I have to remember is don’t drink and don’t use drugs, and the changes will continue to happen, and I consider that a world worth living in the spirit.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.
In meditation today, I repeated, “Please, help me, to let go of control, and to keep the focus on my recovery.”
It’s hard to let go, especially after having a year with routine daily practices. For instance, today, I realized that I could barely stand to be around people with my first outing, especially when it’s a busload of no-maskers wanting to crowd me up. My mind immediately tried to judge them thinking because the bus sported a church name that they would know better, but I quickly realized that my beliefs didn’t represent theirs, and that’s okay because I don’t and cannot control others.
Sharply, my mind retorts to keep to my business, protect myself, and restrain pen and tongue.
I realize just because I work a daily program does not mean that my mind doesn’t want to automatically respond to the world, trusting that I have the correct answers, especially for others. Typing this makes me see how this type of thinking is like trying to herd cats.
I have a choice, and I am so thankful that I can ask for help to continue learning and accepting to focus on me and not others. I admit that not every day am I successful, but I am grateful that I can usually spot sooner than later, and most times, I can turn things around. I get to practice with my sweetie constantly to let go of my control and know that I don’t know what other people need. When in a relationship, it’s double hard not to require unrealistic stuff that sometimes can seem like a demand. I should know how that doesn’t work because of my defiance when told what I should be doing—I go hard and fast in the opposite direction.
Suggestions seem to help instead of flat-out petitions because I can usually reason with myself what I have to change, but only on my timeframe. Atypically, I also know if I am determined to have it my way, then that is when I can go down a rabbit hole digging my heels into the flames of fire to make a point, and then that will be harder to climb back out. At that point, I usually will cop resentment with an attitude, pout, and whine like a spoiled child. I know all that does is hinder my spirit and the spirit of those around me. The most feasible thing to do when I am in that weak spot is to start my day over. If I realize my part in the situation, I can change. Otherwise, everything will continue to escalate until it’s too late to recover that situation, and then a drink and drugs sound like the solution when they are not.
Practicing a daily plan creates an awareness that is too bright to ignore. All I have to do is become humble. I can provide some grace to myself, make amends when possible, and focus on my recovery and leave the outcome of other people’s business to be handled by those equipped to manage—even if I have to repeat the lessons will be worth the practice.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.
When protection is needed, and the word God is the problem, then it’s a struggle to think help is possible.
Here are other thoughts. God can mean a group of drunks, going out drunk, groovy ozone date, good orderly direction, grow onward daily, or good orderly discipline.
The reading challenges me to look back and examine when I was in self-will. This type of exercise has more meaning when I write things down, especially since I am a visual person. I can tell you that I sure want to be in my will right about now and forget that I have to complete a total of five more writings because I need a sabbatical and plan to take one soon.
I know for sure when I am in self-will because it is a struggle with my emotions. Once I start down that path of taking control, I lose all concept of integrity. It’s like pushing a button claiming that I have a purpose, and I lose the ability to differentiate the truth from the false. I can make every excuse for doing what I want and will do what I want. My mindset is to get out of my way, whoever and whatever, and I forge ahead until the crash happens. Usually, it’s too late to turn around, and some catastrophe has to happen before I can accept my defeat. Low and behold, if that is an unforgettable disappointment like drinking and driving and killing someone, realistically, those types of things do happen.
Back to my list of self-will, the results are so great it’s painful to look at, and I am grateful I survived to change. For sure, when in self-will, I go insane. Here is an example. Once my ex-husband and I were stopped by an unmarked policeman. A long story short, they arrested my then-husband, and between my sister and I, she kicked the guy down, and I started the beating. Well, I ended in jail and two years’ probation.
The beauty of letting go and allow the good orderly direction to guide me to grow onward daily is freeing. With the relief I receive by claiming defeat, I become independent in managing my life as an adult with integrity. I don’t have to worry about what is going to happen from a legal standpoint. It doesn’t mean that challenges don’t come because they do, but when I stay sober, ask for help, stay calm, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill, it is possible to live in peace with myself, and that’s good enough for me—and I don’t have to go out drunk.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.
It is a relief to accept that I am not perfect, and I make mistakes, but when I acknowledge that fact and give myself some grace, I can pick up and keep going, no matter what, keep going.
Here is a pondering thought. At some point, individuals create their path.
My introduction to consider Alcoholics Anonymous was a true challenge because I had no idea what to expect. I remember that first day as if it was today, and I didn’t like what I was hearing. People were sharing stories that sounded outlandish, for crying out loud, and I could not relate, so naturally, I thought people were crazy.
I have come to accept that I had a desire to change when looking into my rearview mirror, but my actions did not match my insides. In order words, I was living a double life. So at the time, I know the power of my understanding led me back up the steps to my homegroup. Ironically, there were suggestions, and I latched on to them like a leech fighting not to drown. I was desperate to find some comfort to eliminate my drinking, whoring around, but more so with my thinking.
After eighteen days, I took my will back, the challenge was on, and the conversation made me furious. At that moment and later that evening, I pondered what I had heard and knew I had to relinquish it all, but it didn’t happen that way.
One day at-a-time, mad and frustrated, I asked for medical help and was prescribed an antidepressant. I don’t think I could have gotten sober without that help. Slowly I started to feel better, yet my behavior didn’t change right away, but I am so grateful for the grace that I didn’t pick up a drink or drugs, and my husband didn’t abandon me. Eventually, by working the steps to their entirety, along with service work, my behavior changed and continues to change.
I realize today that the choice is mine to make each day. No one can change me. No one is responsible for me. No one can do the work because it is mine to do. No one can coerce me to change, and it was and continues to be my choice of how I will live my life. I am an addict, and my mind wants to steer me in directions that are not healthy for me, and that’s why I need that outside help of a power that wants the best for me—it’s my choice daily.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.
It was a reminder that omission is another form of lying, and it was my daughter who suggested what is possible to make good on my commitment, to write for three hundred and sixty-five days straight. Hence, the fifteen of March ends my undertaking.
Here is a funny thought. To laugh at oneself can be healing for the soul.
The reflection today about surrendering self-will is an understatement of what I attempted most of the day. Each time my thoughts would go to what I could do to help someone, I knew I had to let go and allow the universe to take control. My new sponsor suggested that I write what emotions I felt and invite my higher power with me. To also write why I felt the feelings and the solution would surface because my answers were within. Low and behold, as I continued to write, my fingers typed, “Lynda, again, you are powerless over your past, your future, people, places, and things.” What a liberation I experienced today. Because of the reminder that the answer is within me, I am intentional with listening, being honest, and willing to admit and accept the truth and then let go.
I admit I am mourning on many occasions. I decided to change sponsors, and although our relationship will remain on a friendship basis, it was an incredible connection, but it was time. Also, in the last few weeks, sponsorees have come and gone, but I know that they too have their higher power to steer them, but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling emotions of failure and guilt. Another is the thought that I will come to an end of sharing these writings with others. Yet, I also know that my higher power moves me, guiding me in other directions, one, to continue the work on my novel. I also know that before I can move into spaces of newness, I have to rid my sadness and sorrows to allow room for originality to take its place.
As I tinker around, moving things from one spot to another, I know that is all procrastination. Eventually, I will find a way to leap into the space that my higher power is centering time for me to punctuate the novelty of my sobriety. Another refreshing awareness is that I see myself in others if only I am willing to recognize that it is me, that I see, that I want to control. All I have to do is to let go, surrender my self-will and allow nature to take its course.
It is beautiful imagery to know that emotional pain and failed attempts to fix me are when I become willing to surrender. A place of arrival is like mist to the face, with strokes of soft tenderness, so gentle that it lures me to resign. The emancipation frees me to be built again, with silk rope tightening to my spine, joints, and mind, allowing me to dive in the sea of possibilities surrounded by an ocean of life preservers. Oh, such beauty and a great reminder—it’s sweet on the other side of bondage if only I am willing.
Peace and love, feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.
Self-respect is when I take action to nurture and value my self-worth, and I can accomplish that when there is no reservation about the timing.
Here is a pondering thought. Self-preservation is the law of nature.
Life has a way of demanding priority skills, and shame on me if I choose not to put myself head of the list. My experience has taught me that if I don’t take care of myself first, there is no way that I can be emotionally available for others.
I am a visual person, so I did an excel sheet to timeline my day. The reason being is it allowed me to see where I was utilizing my energy. I was surprised, but more so than anything, I was sad because there was little time pampering me. I don’t mean that I have to spend money, but I mean time where I am alone with myself writing, meditating, and outlining what I hope to accomplish in my time here on earth.
Before coming into sobriety, I purchased so many help books, and I realize now that it was important because it was an introduction to what I might want to do in life. Yet, the bottom line was that I had to come to grips with my lack of time spent with a higher power, and that understanding for me is in nature, walking, hiking, camping, and anything outdoors.
If I exert myself to follow the Steps path outlined in the Big Book, the reading claims that I can have a sense of freedom to think for myself. That statement is crucial for me because no one can live my life for me. I have to do that. I have to understand that I cannot think big enough to know what I might achieve. That is why I need a higher power to help me have the courage to do those things that I cannot imagine for myself.
When I first took the city bus and rode from one point of the town to another, I never went past that part that I was familiar with for a long time. When I dared to transfer to another bus, my life sprouted. The moral of that story is if I stagnate, I have to turn it over and ask for help, and by doing so, the rewards are more significant than I can even imagine.
By understanding my limits, I allow myself to flourish, but I have to do the work. As a result, understanding my worth builds my esteem, allowing me to see I don’t ever have to stop growing—keep the plug in the jug and soar like there is no tomorrow and never have to do it alone—all I have to do is ask for help.
Peace and love. Feel free to share. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.