My mind tells me my most fun with laughter was when I was drinking, living on the edge, lying, stealing, cheating, sexing, and swinging in the clubs, but my problem centers in my mind.

Self-pity, ego-feeding deceptions go hand in hand for me. I accept that I can deceive myself because I have expectations, usually of others, that may never materialize. I heard tonight at a meeting, “Do I want to be completely well?” Of course, I would say yes, but am I willing to go to any lengths for that to happen?

I question how one can be whole if they don’t know what needs fixing? When I can identify with my behavior(s), my instincts will tell me something is missing, and usually, it’s that connection with me. In other words, I am not fully aware of what I need when I am too busy trying to fix other people, places, and things. To be in connection with myself is an intentional task with a purpose, a daily ritual of being present with me, literally. I do this with walking and some with meditation, but mainly with the former.

I cannot live outside myself and search for ways to be whole, joining this group, that group, buying material things, indulging in foods, and anything, and everything, and expecting to heal. Yet, the idea of going inward to identify with the emotions I might be feeling is where the healing begins. When I am in touch with myself, I have to be honest with what I am grappling with by speaking that truth to my higher power, asking for help with the restoration of healing and pronounce that claim to at least another, like a sponsor that perhaps can help steer my thinking.

In my household growing up, there was never a clear picture of “wholeness,” per se. There was screaming, fighting, drinking, eating, and blaming, and starting that segment again the next day. Years and years of abuse towards my inner-self, there is no wonder that I am still searching.

I am gently approaching little Lynda with a kind reminder that there is more than contentment to life. I know because I purchased a hula-hoop and became savage in the movement and laughter for days.  But to be fully well with me, I have to trust that there is a possibility of wholeness via emotional, spiritual, and physical.

I do not want to live life with self-improving and not having the ability to laugh and enjoy myself when I am by myself. Often, laughter comes in reading, listening to music, and more so with the awareness that I am not alone but that others can identify, and we laugh at ourselves with each other—but never to put anyone else down, so the expense of that laughter comes only at me.

My higher power is the most extraordinary energy and knows that I can be cynical, so it must have a sense of humor. My constant reminder is gentleness for myself and others—and for that reason, I will continue to laugh at myself.

Peace and love. Feel free to share and invite others. To unsubscribe, say so. The reading is attached.

Author, Lynda M.