As someone that grew up in a household of conformity or else received the punishment that causes trauma, it is hard to break that cycle as an adult, constantly hypervigilant to catch someone not following the rules so that I can squeal.

The madness in my head screams to control. At the same time, a person practicing and living in recovery from the disease of alcoholism and addictive behaviors wants to womp on some heads with “gotcha.” This type of behavior is insane.

It’s agonizing to try and maintain a sense of authenticity when trying to live my life while allowing others to live theirs when my head is full of the opposite of what I am attempting to accomplish. Somewhere in the interim of being my authentic self, the tape rewinds, and I default to people-pleasing. As a result, I’m up at 4:00 am writing this paper, trying to give myself some grace for caving in and allowing people to do those very things that I loathe, yet I adhered to that are not acceptable to me.

A constant replaying the tape of “How could I permit that very thing I despise is okay for someone to do in my house, and that is smoke?” I’ve been smoke-free for 19 years, I’m not too fond of the smell, and yet this visitor didn’t ask, but I gave permission. I am disappointed with myself, thinking about the aftermath of smoke for a week.

In situations such as this, I will keep acknowledging and asking myself why I caved, and the answer usually is I was people-pleasing to get someone to like me. I justify my decision by claiming that when I was a smoker, that same person allowed me to smoke in their home.

Today, I accept that I have no reason to punish myself for life because of a past habit I endured. So, here on out, I want to remember that I want to love myself, and under no circumstance do I have to make myself more minor or irrelevant to accommodate others while, in the meantime, hurt myself and suffer the consequences of my decision. I matter.

A note to myself is, “Lynda, forgive yourself, and if you are going to beat yourself up, do so with a feather and not a hammer. Remember, life is about progress and not perfection. Keep striving to be the best Lynda you can be.”